Dear Ole Ma

Of the many thing my mother taught me the most important were the following:

1. If you are having your picture taken be sure to proudly display whatever beverage you are drinking at the time. You’ll never know when Rolling Rock will be looking for a new spokesperson.
2. If you are going to grow marijuana, grow big – none of this three plants in a closet nickel and dime bullshit. And make sure your crop is only accessible by motorcycle.
3. This one is the most important. Never, ever go outside without your helmet on.

Take these little nuggets of wisdom to heart my friends. They could save you life some day.

Go ahead, leave. I'll be fine. All I need is another tonic. And this cabbage.

With the beard and corn-cob pipe it would be easy to mistake this man as the first mate of the Pequod. But no this is my father, right before he crammed a head of cabbage up the photographers ass and got a refill on the gin and tonic. You just don’t start snapping candids of a guy who dresses up like a Portugesian mercenary just to go rummaging around in the kitchen.

Nice Trunks

Okay – where do I start with this one. That’s one of my uncles there – dressed as I dunno, a stunt double for one of the Monkees in the proverbial beach episode?

I wish I had a little background info to provide you with, but I’ve got nothin’ folks. What I do know is this. This picture was most likely taken somewhere in North Eastern Ohio, and obviously in the late sixties or early seventies.

There are large bodies of water in Ohio that are suitable for swimming. However, in this pic my uncle is no where near one. Which is good – because swimming holes tend to attract other people. Even if my uncle did have a momentary lapse of reason and put this outfit on – on purpose -  he still had sense enough to do it in the middle of a field miles away from anyone.

Anyone except the Amish that is. Which brings me to the photographer. Who the hell took this picture? If it was someone my Uncle knew, it was obviously someone he trusted – but why?

I have two theories:

1.) It was an Amish. However this one doesn’t hold a whole hell of a lot of water ’cause the Amish are deathly afraid of the demonry that is technology and would not have gotten within soul-stealing range of a camera.

2.) The management for The Monkees was looking for a weirder looking replacement for Davy Jones and put out a casting call. That casting call must have read something like this:

Teen Idol

“Want to be a Monkee? Can you dress like a Douche Bag? Well the Come on chaps, let’s ‘ave at it! Up and over!”

———-

If anything this picture does provide us with a good look at the physiology of the standard issue Snodgrass male. Some key points:

1.) Gigantic skull, making up the bulk of body mass.

2.) A stork like frame that miracously supports the prize-pumpkinesuqe head.

3.) The Balls of Solid Lead it takes to walk around in rural Ohio in a friggin’ peppermint stripped jump suit.