Well, that settles it. Fuck calling a lawyer, the next time I get brutalized I’m calling Yaweh.

Dear Ole Ma

Of the many thing my mother taught me the most important were the following:

1. If you are having your picture taken be sure to proudly display whatever beverage you are drinking at the time. You’ll never know when Rolling Rock will be looking for a new spokesperson.
2. If you are going to grow marijuana, grow big – none of this three plants in a closet nickel and dime bullshit. And make sure your crop is only accessible by motorcycle.
3. This one is the most important. Never, ever go outside without your helmet on.

Take these little nuggets of wisdom to heart my friends. They could save you life some day.

Go ahead, leave. I'll be fine. All I need is another tonic. And this cabbage.

With the beard and corn-cob pipe it would be easy to mistake this man as the first mate of the Pequod. But no this is my father, right before he crammed a head of cabbage up the photographers ass and got a refill on the gin and tonic. You just don’t start snapping candids of a guy who dresses up like a Portugesian mercenary just to go rummaging around in the kitchen.

Nice Trunks

Okay – where do I start with this one. That’s one of my uncles there – dressed as I dunno, a stunt double for one of the Monkees in the proverbial beach episode?

I wish I had a little background info to provide you with, but I’ve got nothin’ folks. What I do know is this. This picture was most likely taken somewhere in North Eastern Ohio, and obviously in the late sixties or early seventies.

There are large bodies of water in Ohio that are suitable for swimming. However, in this pic my uncle is no where near one. Which is good – because swimming holes tend to attract other people. Even if my uncle did have a momentary lapse of reason and put this outfit on – on purpose -  he still had sense enough to do it in the middle of a field miles away from anyone.

Anyone except the Amish that is. Which brings me to the photographer. Who the hell took this picture? If it was someone my Uncle knew, it was obviously someone he trusted – but why?

I have two theories:

1.) It was an Amish. However this one doesn’t hold a whole hell of a lot of water ’cause the Amish are deathly afraid of the demonry that is technology and would not have gotten within soul-stealing range of a camera.

2.) The management for The Monkees was looking for a weirder looking replacement for Davy Jones and put out a casting call. That casting call must have read something like this:

Teen Idol

“Want to be a Monkee? Can you dress like a Douche Bag? Well the Come on chaps, let’s ‘ave at it! Up and over!”

———-

If anything this picture does provide us with a good look at the physiology of the standard issue Snodgrass male. Some key points:

1.) Gigantic skull, making up the bulk of body mass.

2.) A stork like frame that miracously supports the prize-pumpkinesuqe head.

3.) The Balls of Solid Lead it takes to walk around in rural Ohio in a friggin’ peppermint stripped jump suit.

Natasha Richardson

In light of the tragic jet ski incident that took Natasha Richardson from us I’d like to remember some of the shining moments of this dear lady’s life. Richardson, mid 50′s is survived by her husband Tim “The Tool Man”  Taylor of noted works, that movie where his dick was to big to fuck his wife, Star Wars, Gangs of New York and Kinsey.

Richardson was an avid water sports enthusiast, obviously until she got Bono’ed by the sport she loved so much. Richardsons diverse drama career covered a vast array of afternoon TV commercials for Swanson frozen meals to gracing the Prime Time market with Zachary Tye Bryant and Wilson “The  Faceless Pervert that Keeps Peaking Over the Goddamned Fence”.

Unfortunately at the height of Richardon’s career Tool Time went off the air due to the blooming adolescence of Zachary Tye Bryant , Johnathan Taylor Thomas and John Wilkes Booth. The show no longer appealed to its demographic due to that fact that:

1.) Kids in Detroit are black.

2.) The subtle homosexual element of the character Al made ‘motor-city’ working men uncomfortable.

3.) The Stunning Debbie Dunning cleaned up, found Jesus and Mom pants.

After earning a degree in Home Making at Traverse City Community College Richardson rediscovered her place in the family dynamic, gave her right vote and excelled in the kitchen. She started a movement called “Yes we can – go backwards!”. She organized rallies in Detroit damning Gloria Steinem for leading Americas women astray, perpetuating the Red Menance, and killing babies. These rallies would culminate in an orgy of fire and violence that shook Detroit and were attributed to White Flight.

She is most remembered for supporting Mel Gibson during his trying time when the Jew’s were keeping him down. She drew strength and guidance from her husbands role as Schindler Pennypincher, in that movie where Germany’s dick was too big to accept the Jews.

Richardson never mentioned her father who was known for working two full time manfactuing jobs to support her acting career. But that’s okay because no one cares about the working class schmuck anyway.

The Cut - photo by: Grail Ogzewalla

I know, I know – the blood looks fake. Still, I’m glad we only had an Xacto knife and not a revolver. God knows . . . we would of made a heck of a mess. And we were not going to clean it up.

The Anti-Climax - photo by: Grail Ogzewalla

Wren Magnum

We went there to hang and to see Wren Magnum. This guy is a freakin’ spectacle. His schtick is basically doing old rockabilly covers and some kind of standup thing in between songs. He does a hell of a Johnny Cash impression and his Elivs isn’t bad either.

I want his pompadour. I had a pompadour but it was never this amazing.

While checking out the show my other friend Angus came in.

This where things got weird. You see we got into a fairly lengthy discussion about Angus’ soul. He tried to sell it to us and we even tried to buy it. However, our offers of beer, cigarettes, bits of string and cocktail napkins weren’t exactly what he was after.

You see Angus wasn’t desperate. Out of this bargain he wants to become famous. Or at least a famous artist.

I decided that Angus’ soul would actually be more of a burden – kind of like buying a used car that needs constant maintenance.

By this point I was getting rather drunk and I’m fairly fatigued right now so details are going to go a bit pear-shaped here.

Angus Carter - Soul for Sale

Somehow Angus’ decided that he was (or is) going to make a blood sacrifice to any deity that was listening. His plan was (or is) to split his palms open, call on the ancients and I’m pretty sure a bon fire was involved. And it had to be on top of a mountain somewhere out in the county. During the detailing of this Wren Magnum was cranking out a rather haunting version of House of the Rising Sun. Now to me, this is when Angus should have done the incanation. I’m pretty sure there was a force in the room at that moment because the next thing that happened came out of the Gonzoian comos and materialized in the form of a (rather dull) X-Acto knife.

Angus decided that he needed to make the blood offering  right then. I got to do the honors. So after a few feeble attempts I managed to cut a feeble line across his palm with the blade.

It was weird. He bled. It probably won’t scar. I don’t think the gods were impressed.

Facta Non Verba

Facta Non Verba is latin for “Deeds, Not Words” – which is the Snodgrass family modo.

I drew up the banner myself, clean up the line art in photoshop then my buddy Grail stabbed my with a needle for a couple of hours, and presto change-0 I’ve got a tattoo.

Also – if you don’t have a tattoo and you are wondering if it hurts, just ask yourself this question:

Do you think stabbing yourself with a needle a few thousand times would hurt?